The Great Experiment

Last night I was journaling some thoughts about the first day at Moucecore, which quickly turned to questions about the summer in general, which I shall relate to you. A caution to the reader: When I journal, it is usually very stream of conscious, I often present point and counterpoint in adjoining sentances, so it sometimes reads like a conversation of a schizophrenic, but that is just how I wrestle through thoughts (I think, it could be I am delusional, and really am schizophrentic, and in that case, please send me drugs so I stop disagreeing with my self) Anyway, I will try to clean it up a bit perhaps, but it will also probably be some raw thought process, so read with care, and enjoy if you can....that is all I have to say on that!

I confess, as I was listening to Michael (the director of MOUCECORE) talking about all that they do, my mind became excited to hear all that he is doing, and quickly wandered to thinking about how I could do similar things. I do wonder about that. I have a definate desire to help people--hopefully not caused by a societal concept of what is "good." But why? Redemption? Good, but is that which is not salvific worth doing? It has to be, but the gospel should be at the core of whatever I do. But explicit sharing? When the oppertunity arises, my fear is not that I won't be willing--I'll beat myself up enough if I don't take the oppertunity that I will do it the next time--but I fear that Salvation will not be at the core of my work. I could be wrong, I remember in Latvia feeling such...love...for the kids that I wanted them to come to Christ, but I don't know if I will face that everywhere. Is that ok if it is not? And what of being autonomous? I want to perhaps start something new, and be in charge of some part of it, and also to make it "big", reaching and helping large numbers of people. Is that ok? He who will become greatest must become the least. Not my natural inclination, and how does it even apply? Worry about tomorrow later...what about the now?

It seems that my interaction with the gospel will be different than Joel's. He is dealing directly with the pain, and it is overwhelming. We are hearing very little of it. The month where we travel to villages may be different but I fear that my job, as it has been set up by them ismuch more tasked focused--helpful tasks to be sure--and not about people. So what about it? Aside from socio-emotional growth through engaging strangers, and learning to view everyone as image bearers, and thus deserving me working through the difficulty to communicate, even though is be about little things, and...(here is where a few things came to mind, that I won't bother to list here.) But there comes another connudrum, I can so easilty turn all of them, and maybe I already have, into a checklist of things to do to "obey God" and "not waste the time", but should people ever be on a checklist? Ah! Anyway, this is quite enough vulnerability for one post. :) For those who slogged through it, thank you, and please pray for me in all of this confusion. I think I will email my mother...(boy did she just get excited :p)